Wasted potential

For my entire life, I have had to deal with all the associations of having ‘potential’ and then wasting that potential. I will not complain, because I am lucky to at least have had the associations of having ‘potential’. My problem is that I cannot deal well with the associations of having potential. The best work that I have ever produced is when I have either been drunk and/or high on opiates. I am not for one minute saying that the ‘success’ I have experienced in life has been down to ‘harmful’ and addictive substances, but the evidence does at least partially back that up.

My problem is that, in my opinion, drugs and alcohol give me my ‘inspiration’. So, the sober me doesn’t really have anything to offer. That leads me deeper into the hands of drugs and alcohol; the substances that will one day kill me.

To me, drugs and alcohol are the reason for my success. So why should I stop taking them? Well, I think I have reached the zenith of my life; it is not going to get any better. And that, mixed with my constant wish to die, seems to be enough of a reason to end my life. Yet, I’m not brave enough. Maybe I am a coward, or/and, maybe a lot of other people feel like this. I don’t know.

I know that drugs and alcohol make me very sick, yet I cannot stop myself from taking them; it’s like a Socratic paradox; but since they seem to be so natural, what does it matter? Because of drugs and alcohol, I will never do anything great, but I probably wouldn’t have anyway, so what does it matter?

I will never truly know my potential, because not only am I too scared, but I also run away from it at every turn. That doesn’t bother me, because peace comes from our minds; not what we have or have not achieved.